It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
You Might Also Like
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream