Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
You Might Also Like
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Only Americans understand
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.