Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
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Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Ovenable?
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels