Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
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How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
You deplete me
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
the three genders
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms