The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
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[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph