I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
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wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?