I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
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Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
This is enough internet for the day.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
My safe word is Worcestershire
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.