Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
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Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.