[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
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Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.