Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
You Might Also Like
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Potatoes were such a good idea
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed