[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
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I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Autocorrect is my menesis
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Sharon I have some bad news
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake