Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
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ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
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I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*