I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
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I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan