Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
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[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
And now we wait
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
What a chick magnet..
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Who did it better?