Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
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Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.