“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
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Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
how high up are we talkin’?
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
#MeanwhileinCanada
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.