Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
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Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin