friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
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I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]