My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
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Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die