just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
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I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”