*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
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My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
BRAKING NEWS!!
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Sunday
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO