[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
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Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.