Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
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My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here