I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
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Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Kids: Stay in school.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.