[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
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Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.