Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
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I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I triple waxed for this?
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
mmm onion ringos
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now