The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
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Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Challenge accepted.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.