Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
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I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”