Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
You Might Also Like
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
titanic
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”