Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
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[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
This why you should mind your business
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
A collection of me turning into random objects.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids