her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
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Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
What the hell is going on?
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom