One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
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when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.