I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
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Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
#oldknees
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.