Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
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I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
titanic
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick