I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
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Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Sooo many times…..
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫