Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
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Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.