[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
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At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do