Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
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Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.