13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
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Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.