Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
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tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.