[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
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Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
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For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here