*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
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Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes