I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
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[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *