How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
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Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.