Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
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My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice