MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
i- i did not expect this
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)