An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
You Might Also Like
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
groan^2
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas