[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
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Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
eggs benadryl
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.