4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
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I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.