I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
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Note to self: always read the final line
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*